Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Emotional abuse is any use of words, voice, action or lack of action meant to control, hurt or demean another person. Emotional abuse typically includes ridicule, intimidation or coercion. Verbal abuse usually is included in this category. This type of abuse is more difficult to define and to identify than physical abuse. At some time in their relationship almost all couples say or even shout things they later regret. Emotional abuse, however, is repeated hurtful exchanges with disregard for the partner’s feelings aimed at gaining power and/or exerting control over the partner. For example, telling the partner over and over again that “no one else would have you” or repeatedly calling the partner “stupid” or “worthless”.

Emotional abuse is present in almost all relationships where physical abuse occurs, and it can have serious and long-term consequences for the partner – eroding self-esteem and confidence, as well as instilling feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Behaviors include:

• Verbal threats
• Demeaning the partner in front of friends, family or strangers
• Name-calling and use of abusive language
• Constant criticism or humiliation
• Disproportionate anger or yelling to intimidate
• Irrational blaming of the partner
• Withholding affection, approval or appreciation as a punishment
• Obsessive jealousy and accusations of unfaithfulness
• Instilling in the partner the belief that “nothing he does will ever be good enough”
• Use of intimate knowledge (e.g. the partner has herpes) to generate vulnerability
• Abusing or threatening to abuse the partner’s children is included here when the intent is to emotionally harm the partner through the children
• Abusing or threatening to abuse pets is included here, again when the intent is to emotionally harm the partner through the pets
• Being irresponsible with money
• Using insults, sarcasm or sneering
• Laughing at the partner
• The abuser harming or threatening to harm himself/herself
• A special form of emotional abuse is called “crazy making”; examples of this technique are:
• Lying in order to confuse
• Blaming the partner for the abuse
• Telling tales and false stories or playing mind games
• Telling the partner he doesn’t know what he is talking about
• Manipulating the partner with words, ideas or lies
• Denying that statements or promises were made or that behaviors occurred, and telling the partner it’s all in his mind

A frequent condition of abuse is seeking to socially isolate the partner. The abuser cuts off their partner from contact with other people, such as family, friends and children, by creating a social deprivation that leads the partner to be more reliant, or dependent, on the abuser. Social isolation also prevents the partner from seeking support from others or successfully leaving the relationship. Behaviors commonly used to impose social isolation include:

• Blaming the partner’s friends or family for the couple’s “relationship” problems
• Monitoring phone calls, mail or visits
• Demanding an account of the partner’s daily activities
• Insulting, threatening or assaulting the partner’s friends or family; driving them away
• Forcing the partner to choose between the relationship and loved ones
• Creating public scenes or disturbances when the partner is out with others
• Stalking the partner and other forms of surveillance